Is Urlacher gonna have to choke a bitch?

It was a long goddamn weekend and both Trick Buster and I are pleased that the Bears decided to step up liek goddamn men and pinch that titty. Here are a few videos chronicling a few highlights from the big opening weekend.  --Mark Ass

Trick Ass gives brings us an on-location interview with himself, 30 hours before the 2008 kickoff:

Alpha-team on-location in Chicago, shortly after kick-off, moments before an old fashioned Colts ass whipping:



You know what Chunky Soup tastes liek?!?!?! It tastes just liek it smells....DELICIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brian Urlacher, not the player, the actor...

Yes, the first Bears game was tonight. Last night I drank 453 beers, 1 Ukrainian Village fest, 1 bar, and 3 parties. All to get ready for tonights game.

The Bears won, of course. I am extremely superstitious, so now I am really worried that I will have to repeat last nights activities every Saturday night before the Sunday game.

ANYWAY forget the game, did you see the Brian Urlacher commercial for old spice? Amazing, I also found another strange commercial he was in.

Danica Phelps accidentally a fine piece of ass. Accidentally what? A fine piece of ass.

Ok. Kickoff is seconds away. The Mountaineers got their asses handed to them yesterday by an unranked bunch of Caronlinian redneck fucks, so The Bears are all we got now. Check back later for "live" play by play clips and upates about Spermlacher's first annual Bears Kickoff party (there is a case of Hamm's in the refrigerator, I shit you not.) Let's hope Peyton Manning forgot to eat his Chunky Soup.

-Mark Ass

Ok kids... shut up and sit down... here we go.

* Sunday, September 7, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Indianapolis Colts. 7:15 p.m. on NBC
* Sunday, September 14, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Carolina Panthers. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, September 21, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, September 28, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Philadelphia Eagles. 7:15 p.m. on NBC
* Sunday, October 5, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, October 12, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Atlanta Falcons. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, October 19, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Minnesota Vikings. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, November 2, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Detroit Lions. 12:00 p.m. on FOX
* Sunday, November 9, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Tennessee Titans. 12:00 p.m. on CBS
* Sunday, November 16, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Green Bay Packers. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, November 23, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ St. Louis Rams. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, November 30, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Minnesota Vikings. 7:15 p.m.* on NBC
* Sunday, December 7, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Jacksonville Jaguars. 12:00 p.m.* on CBS
* Thursday, December 11, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. New Orleans Saints. 7:15 p.m. on NFLN
* Monday, December 22, 2008 - Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers. 7:30 p.m. on ESPN
* Sunday, December 28, 2008 - Chicago Bears @ Houston Texans. 12:00 p.m.* on FOX
* Sunday, February 1, 2009 - Super Bowl XLIII - Chicago Bears vs. ??? (hey, you never know)

Introducing: Mark Ass and Trick Buster

Preseason Battle: Bears vs. 49ers

All of this talk of war with Russia and the end of the world and melting to death in the seat of your car while sitting in rush-hour traffic having not known the embrace of a woman or a mother in lengths approaching the nearness of planets really got me thinking about Thursday's preseason battle against the Niners.

For starters the offensive line is flaky and will have to be on its toes against a revamped 49ers defense. Much in the same way that many of my generation figured (wrongly) that we would never have to worry TOO much about intercontinental ballistic missiles (ICBM), think again: If the tight ends make it around the offensive line they will most definitely get some sacks so we'll have to watch out for that. Whether or not this latest incarnation of "The Red Scare" will have any measurable effect on our ability to minimize the pass-rush remains to be seen, however recent comments by Pat Buchanan suggest that any and all efforts to prevent a "Cold War II" are all but over--news which may leave our defense panicking in the fucking streets.

Pregame Notes:

*Preseason trades have left the 49ers with changes on both sides of the ball, look to see how they adjust to the Bears' outstanding special teams.

*The acquisition of free-agents have made the 49ers a threat in both the nickle and dime slots.

*Chicago has awarded the starting QB spot to Kyle Orton--he is rumored to give a conference regarding Moscow's threatening comments vis-à-vis the US/Poland missile-defense-system controversy following Thursday's game.

-Mark Ass

It's Final...For now.

ortonmontage
Originally uploaded by jasonajudd

As if we were still in suspense of the quarterback situation. Orton is our man. And I am as happy as I can be with the situation.

Listen close. Orton is the one man who totally embodies spermlacher, and as I see it, Chicago. You may ask yourself, what are the most important things to Kyle Orton. Well thankfully we have an official list of the top 8.

1. Whiskey
2. Bar Sluts
3. Beards
4. Whiskey
5. Whiskey
6. Watching football
7. Playing football
8. Titties

Strangely enough throw a couple Black Flag albums into the mix and this list is about the same as me and Mark Ass's.

I think we all have a "Kyle Orton" as a friend. Actually I have 5 of them. But the difference is Kyle has been blessed with the gift of being the best mediocre quarterback the Bears have ever seen and being able to get some fine ass at the bar.

One of Spermlacher's goals this year is to get in contact and have a drink with Kyle Orton. How do we make this happen? Post a comment with ideas assholes.

Rex Grossman.. Go back to Gary, IN- Trick Buster

Preseason is a waste of time.

Ok listen, Preseason counts just as much as your mom telling you that you are a handsome boy. Which, I don't mean to burst some of your bubbles, but means absolutely nothing. And if you are one of the few who still believe this, you are in for quite a disappointment. Why? you might ask... well because most of us are ugly as sin. The same goes for preseason games.

Another troubling thing about the preseason games is that they are played on Saturday nights. Which is ridiculous... I am not about to spend my Saturday drinking Tecate on my couch and watching players play half ass. Point is NO ONE EVER got any action from a girl on a Saturday night while sitting on the couch watching a preseason game. period.

Thats why games are played on Sundays. To forget bad desicions made the night before.

Eat it preseason- Trick Buster

Welcome to Chicago Bears Football 2008

Football is an ancient sport that requires intense concentration and very strong concentration. You could think of it like being a cop. The Police get a lot of pussy. They get a nice car. Got a nice coat. Probably got a debit card. Get's a lot of pussy that's all I'm saying. Welcome to Spermlacher. For years we have been combining the concentration power of football with the "badittude" of Darby Crash. We just didn't have the right gear to get on the internet. Not any more. Welcome to Spermlacher. It's football time.

-Mark Ass and Trick Buster